The Diary of the third gathering of Adult Opposite sex twins. 18 May 2013

Notes on the themes from this gathering.

Everyone in the group had training in Sociology or Psychology, perhaps this was an expression of the need for a’ panoramic view ‘described in Hidden Twins (2009).

There was surprise again at how many twins lived abroad, especially in Australia; and how high was the incidence of mental health and addiction.

This group was made up of adult opposite sex twins and one triplet whose brother died when a baby. She has a twin sister. She, as a ‘same sex twin’ contributed by highlighting similarities and differences to opposite sex twins.

The gathering opened again with an initial voracious hunger. There was a sense of “going home’; in right place, ‘calm and safe’. This meant that they did not have to hide their twin ship where as in life they felt separated from their twin, without that ‘calm or internal safety’. They were required to be individual, hence they did not relate well to those around them because they did not relate well to themselves.

  • Everyone in the group was the youngest twin.
  • None of the group had conversations with their twin about being a twin.
  • There was much talk about how they felt hurt and how they hurt others.
  • One thing for sure was that everyone was trying too hard.
  • The female opposite sex twins also recognised their capacity to do male things.

Lack of oxygen

The language for twin relationship experience was vivid and violent; expressed overtly by the same sex twin than opposite sex twins where feelings were more subterranean. These words were used:

  • Grappling
  • convergence/divergence
  • murderousness towards their twin yet the most desperate need for them.
  • Needing the anchor of each other but not to feel drowned.
  • A fear of being’ poisoned’- haemorrhaging, clamping shut, exporting chaos to others; afraid of abandonment and yet also a fear of being toxic so they were cautious.
  • It was felt talk did not shift experience as it slithered off or fell between feelings
  • There was a lack of oxygen whether their twin was alive or dead. Neither could thrive at the same time but they could swap so they and the other twin could thrive. The fear of no oxygen lead to the inability to take in good from others and in so doing destroyed comfort, containment and care from others that was so longed for. ‘Whole hearted ambivalence’ was difficult to achieve.
  • Love and hate seemed more outspoken by same sex twins than opposite sex twins. Same sex sisters seemed to talked for each other whilst opposite sex female twins seemed to dominate or talk for their twin brother; and could take the lead from him. Was this a compensation for fighting or was it fighting?

Intuition

Everyone thought they were good at one to one relationships, in which they went deep into the other person but shared little of themselves. They then knew far too much about someone, and in this way they ‘twinned’ with them. They tried to slow their ‘twinning’ down so people did not open up to them so quickly and they did not feel like’ the secret keeper’ with no presence of their own and consequently seen as enigmatic or mysterious. Here was seen the misuse of atunement. It was easy to get close to another but not so easy to let another get close to them and yet at the same time without atunement separation was difficult as described in the section on ‘lack of Oxygen’.

Triangular relationships and families

Opposite sex twins were good with triangular relationships and being an attractive third figure. This could come about through a desire to keep parents on board, especially to keep mum and dad happy so they, the opposite sex twins, would be looked after. But triangles could also mean there was a fall guy.

Most of the members of the other gatherings had not attended this gathering because of events that had to be attended to, such as moving house, helping parents. Was it possible that opposite sex twins also get more easily separated by expectations and life events around them, as well as their pursuit of different interests and therefore have less time to ‘play’ together? This was interesting in the light of the unusual hunger for the group mentioned at the start of this diary.

Partners

Zazzo wrote that opposite-sex twins are not exceptional or different from most couples - they are like ordinary couples only more so. How twin ship, in partnerships, inhibited or expanded the individual self needed better understanding. -Opposite sex twins could also find relating sexually difficult because the other sex partner became like brother/ sister, instead of developing an interest in a sexual relationship. -The female twin chose partners who were gentle and who liked ‘boyish’ girls. -The male twin chose a partner of the opposite sex who was like their twin. -This was different for the same sex twin. She was attracted to some one like herself, so she could see herself as in a mirror.

Teasing

Because of a fear of intimacy the female twins ‘twinned’ and then separated by humour, bantering, teasing, intimidating, emasculating so it could be frightening for men who did not know where they stood. This could create what was called the’ wrong sort of intimacy’.

Dilemma for men

Men must be separate and not dependant. This was the public school stereotype. But to be twin was to have another as part of the self, especially a twin sister. Shame seemed about being authentic as an ‘us’ and not a ‘me’. Social roles of opposite twin males could be secretly ambivalent and lead to loneliness and pretence. The twin architecture was a horizontal relationship that became twisted into a vertical relationship through the requirements of social roles. Because the relationship was internally intense rather than socially expected this was not only more recognised than the notion that behind every man is a woman or vica versa.

Recovery

A mindful parent was needed who could hold the value of both twins at the same time. A choreography of negotiation, so that twin ship was not toxic but musical layers in which mutual contradictory feelings could be contained, breaking duality towards a triangular scaffold of understanding where opposite sex twin ship could move from a difficult cursed place to a lucky advantage . Humour, non verbal communication and words could develop mindfulness in the presence of each other, and ambivalence could become creative enrichment.